This week has been TOUGH. With a bold, underlined ‘T’…
I’ve been sick, work has been nuts and I’m surprised I’m still standing at the end of the week to be honest.
Usually, I don’t talk much about my job on here. It’s not that I don’t want to, I’m just so paranoid that a parent or child might see it and I’ll get into trouble, that I don’t draw too much attention to the whole thing, but I just need to get some thoughts out, y’know?
Back in September, I started a new job, in a new school, with more responsibility than I’d previously had. As soon as I made the decision, I knew it was the best decision to make and all the doubts I’d had about moving vanished instantly. It’s not that this doesn’t still stand. I love my school and I’m so much happier there than I was before. But, it’s also so much tougher.
I knew this would be the case – it’s nothing I wasn’t expecting. But, recently, it’s really been bogging me down. The kids have been nothing short of a nightmare, no matter how much I try, I’ve been poorly sick and I’m so close to burn out it’s unbelievable. In short, I think my heart is a bit broken.
More than anything, I know this is the type of school I want to work at and the type of children I want to teach. However, I’m not sure how long I can keep up the battle. The battle of me pouring my heart and soul into the job and the children I teach to get nothing back from them. Some of them just don’t give two hoots, no matter how much I do, and it kind of crushes me.
Don’t get me wrong. Every school has its issues; you’ve just got to decide which type of crap you’re willing to put up with. The issues I had in my old school I loathed. They made my professional life a nightmare (which is tricky when 95% of my life is school) and the atmosphere had a bigger cloud hanging over me more than I ever even realised. But, I’m pretty sure I didn’t reach burn out as quickly as I have this year.
I can’t put my finger on it and, in turn, it means I can’t decide what to do. Do I stay another year and see if it gets better? Do I go for another job (I’ve seen one I’m quite interested in!)? Will it look really bad if I only stay at a school for one year? If this is the type of school I’ve always wanted to work in but, actually, maybe I can’t handle it, what am I meant to do? Is it just this cohort of children? Will it be different next year? I.just. don’t. know.
I’m trying not to make any rash decisions, especially because I’m probably being quite guilty because I’ve been sick, but I’m also aware that this is the time to be looking for jobs and making important decisions about my future.
The stress and anxiety of it all is just a bit much.
Instead, I think I’ll go back to hiding under my duvet and pretending the outside world doesn’t exist….