After a very exhausting parents evening, I sat with a friend from school and things got real deep. From background stories, to past relationships, depression to goals in life – you think of it, we probably discussed it.
At some point in the discussion, we got onto the subject of love. Not mushy love like two teenagers dying because the coolest boy in school had looked at them, but love in the more general sense – whether that be loving someone, being in love with someone or just the emotion in general.
It turns out, I’m pretty sure I don’t know what the emotion of love feels like.
Now, I don’t want to hurt any besties that are reading this right now and getting angry, so let’s get one thing straight: I care about certain people in my life, a lot. They tell me they love me and I them – I’m just not 100% if that’s the emotion I feel, mainly because I don’t know what love feels like. I just assume it is because I care about them so much and they’re so important to me. In fact, I wouldn’t even believe alive right now if it wasn’t for some of these people.
So, it scares me.
It scares me that I don’t know the emotions I feel.
It scares me that I could lose people because of it.
It scares me even more that I probably do love these people cuz, y’know, what if they run off and leave me?
Previously, I’m 99% sure I loved someone – all be it someone who didn’t deserve that love – but how can I be sure?
Well, put simply, I can’t.
If I’ve never experienced what it’s like to be loved (and not in the ‘I’m in love with you’ kinda way, just in the way people care for others), how do I know that the emotion I feel right now for these people in my life is love?
I thought I was in love with someone before and it turned out to be a lie – so how can I trust myself that the emotion is true?
And it breaks my heart.