a letter to my bestie

To say I don’t deal well with emotions is an understatement. They make me freak out and feel massively uncomfortable. It used to just be my emotions, but it’s slowly extending to other people’s emotions too… If someone starts crying, I’m outta there quicker than you shout *insert any one syllable word here*.

Emotions aren’t the only thing that has be clammier than a sweaty hand, but feelings too. I’m not very good at expressing how I’m feeling about something and, instead, tend to shout an semi-abusive remark while praying it doesn’t hurt your feelings.

Sure, this has all got to do with my past, but that’s not a good enough excuse in my eyes and, as a result of my ways, people don’t tend to stick around me for very long. That is, until I met my bestie. Rewind four years and a ginger nut walked into my life, vowing never to leave again (not that I believe this cuz, yknow, people always let you down).

Dear Chaz, 

apparently now is the appropriate time to give you a new nick name – who knew? 

I don’t say it often, but I’m internally grateful for everything you’ve done for me. The bottom line is, I probably wouldn’t be alive right now if it hadn’t have been for you. How you managed to get through all my ‘moments’ without slapping me around the fact, I’ll never know. 

It’s not even as if now I’ve stopped having my ‘moments’ that I’ve got any easier – how I’m still living with you is very questionable and, in fact, so is your sanity for agreeing to still be my roomie. Between you making my dinner when I come home from work, doing the food shop because I’ve basically dedicated my life to never stepping foot into another Tesco again, bailing me out when I can’t pay a bill or the fact that you do, well, basically everything for me, I’m surprised you haven’t filed for divorce. 

Grateful doesn’t even begin to express how I feel. I know I’ll never be able to say it to your face (no matter how hard I try) and I rarely say thank you, but I am so incredibly thankful to have you in my life. You picked me back up off the floor when I was at my lowest, listened to me scream or shout during a meltdown and helped me keep my independence on track. 

I’m so incredibly thankful, but I’m also so incredibly sorry: sorry that I can’t show you the words that you deserve; sorry that I refuse to use nicer words; sorry I fail to EVER do the dishes or make a meal and sorry that you’re always the one that gets lumbered with me. I certainly wouldn’t hold it against you if you wanted out of our crazy relationship – you definitely deserve better.

But, until then, I leave you with parting words of love and gratefulness. You are by biggest inspiration in life and, though I don’t always vocalise it the way I should, I have an indescribable amount of love for you. One day, I promise I will pay you back every penny that I owe you, and more; I can only dream that in the future I have a daughter that turns out as inspirationally amazing as you. 

Please forgive me for all I’ve done and will do in the future, I wouldn’t be able to cope without you. 

The Big Cheese x

p.s. since when was this my nickname? 

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  • Charlotte Davis

    Firstly, how did I miss this going live- you go, Big Cheese!

    Secondly, so many tears and feels right now!!
    4 years ago, my life changed too and I’ve honestly never looked back. You really are every type of special. You’re a tower of strength and I wouldn’t change you for the world.
    I promise I’m not going anywhere: Heres to the next 40 + years, where we can slide ungracefully through the rollercoaster of life together and finish with as little dignity as we started with 😂💗
    Chaz xxx